i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
