Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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