i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
