why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
