So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Are my feet made of real feet?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
