So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
