Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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