You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
even my farts smell like vagina
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just high enough for therapy.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
