I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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