I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
