and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
