meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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