Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
