You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
