Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
