the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
