She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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