Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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