PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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