i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
