it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
