I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
