my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
