I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
