how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
