i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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