Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Randomize
