I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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