the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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