just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
