sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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