Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
