All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
