Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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