dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
