It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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