Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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