Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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