I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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