my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
