I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
