she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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