New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
