My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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