I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
