im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
