Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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