Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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