Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
