he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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