so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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