She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
