Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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