No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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