Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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