....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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