She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
