I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
