who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
