Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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