mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
