Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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