Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
