1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
