I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
