college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
